... if you define Summer as three months of bad sledding.
... if your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake.
... if your family breaks into violence during the UM-MSU game (any sport!).
... if snow tires come standard on all your cars.
... if at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry.
... if you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
... if you can identify an Ohio accent.
... if owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town.
... if you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike.
... if you think Alkaline batteries were named after a Tiger outfielder.
... if you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you grew up.
... if you don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is.
... if someone asks you if you've been to Europe and you answer, "No, but I've been to Ann Arbor..."
... if "Down South" to you means Toledo.
... if you have any idea who Bob Ufer was.
... if octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball.
... if traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon.
... if you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as "trolls" or "lopers".
... if the "Big Three" can mean either Ford, Chrysler and GM or Domino's, Little Ceaser's and Hungry Howie's.
... if a Big Mac is something you can drive across.
... if you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island.
... if you had to get a passport to go to Ohio.
... if you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones.
... if your kid's baseball or softball games games have been ever been snowed out.
... if the trees in your backyard have spigots.
... if you know that a place called "Kalamazoo" really exists.
... if you bake with "soda" and drink "pop".
... if you know what a pastie is.
... if you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
... if your favorite hockey team's mascot is an octopus.
... if you have a favorite hockey team.
... if you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Vernor's.
... if you know how to play Euchre.
... if you classify your friends and relatives as "yoopers," "trolls," "Canadians," or "not from 'round here,".
... if you know at least 2 yooper jokes.
... if fudge and Bicycles remind you of your honeymoon.
... if you can name all 5 of the Great Lakes, and point to their locations around your left and right hands.
... if you don't cross picket lines.
... if you used to think Deer Season included an official school holiday.
... if you know that Pontiac and Cadillac are cities.
... if you've been to Hell and to Paradise and back again.
... if you had Tornado Drills in elementary school.
... if you know all the words to Gordon Lightfoot's classic ballad, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"
... if you can actually pronounce Ypsilanti.
... if the first decision you have to make on an international trip is, "bridge or tunnel?"
... if you own only three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
... if you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
... if you have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
... if you have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
... if Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
... if you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
... if driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
... if you think everyone from the city has an accent.
... if you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
... if you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
... if the local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
... if your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
... if summer takes place the second week of July (and it still rains!!).
... if you know which leaves make good toilet paper.
... if you find -20F a little chilly.
... if the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
... if you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots.
... if shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
... if you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
... if the municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
... if you drink "Vernors" and play "Euchre".
... if you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.
... if you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation.
... if your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March.
... if you instinctively walk like a penquin for five months out of the year.
... if you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time.
... if "vacation" means going up north on I-75.
... if you know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
... if you often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
... if you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
... if you see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings.)
... if you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
... if your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
... if you were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
... if down South to you means Ohio.
... if a brat is something you eat.
... if your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.
... if you go out to a fish fry every Friday.
... if your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
... if your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.
... if you know what a Yooper is.
... if you know that UP is a place, not a direction.
... if you know it's possible to live in a thumb.
... if you actually understand these references ... and you forward the URL to all your Michigan friends.
A man dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter is showing him around. Everything is glorious. There is a music hall with every kind of music to listen to, all played with angelic perfection. The dining hall offers food is beyond compare. And the residences, St. Peter assures him, are comfortable beyond all imagination.
On their way to the residence halls, they turn down a hall where everyone is chained to the wall. St. Peter offers no comment as they they continue down the long passageway. After a few minutes the man asks St. Peter. "If this is Heaven and everything is so wonderful why are these people chained up?"
St Peter answers, "Oh. Those are the Michiganders, If we don't keep them chained up they try to go to their cabins on the weekends."
A fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning abyss.
Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss them off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him.
He strolled over to see what was going on.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for Judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"
"Oh those . . . ," Satan groaned. "They're all from Michigan."
"I'm sorry, I don't understand."
"They're still too cold and wet to burn."
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